If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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