The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
