The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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