i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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