im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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