Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
