Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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