She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
