I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
