oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize