i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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