the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I puked a lego.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
