Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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