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• (720): View more from Colorado

  Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm that good.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

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• (239): View more from Florida

  All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.

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