dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
