No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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