gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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