I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
