Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
