Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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