I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
