Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
