Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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