happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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