Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
