Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
