I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And then he peed in my hair
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
