Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I love you. Go after that dick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
