pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
