I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize