if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
