So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
