why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need to calm my uterus...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
