paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
