If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
