He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
