Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize