I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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