So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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