How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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