her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize