Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
my liver is dry heaving
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
