dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
