I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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