plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
