people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize