The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
