now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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