I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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