My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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