HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
