a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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