Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
