I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
