all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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