On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
