I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
