you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
