guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
